calvyn's Journal

5:55am: our old district library
Now that I am back at home, i typically spend my afternoons in this once-shabby-looking place officially called as the district library. I have some sweet memories attached with this building.. I read my first english novel in this library.. GOD FATHER.. My parentrs never said no when i tell them that iam going to the library..Am not abook freak but Well, at times going to the library was a pretext to get out of home. The reading room always used to amuse me.. it has this aroma of old books, and somehow i liked it a lot.

This time when i entered the library, i didnt expect a drastic change in the books that it contained but theres been quite a new additions..Like the reading room is completely air conditioned.. and a browsing center with a freaking 100MBPS line.

Well, but the gmail and google talk does not work from here.. i dont know why!!!!!!!!!

3:11am: IIM results out!!!!
well, after much awaiting teh results are out and this is what the IIML site has to say about my candidature..
Cat Reg. No.: 4210542
Sorry, Your Name is not in the IIML Selection list.

Such news should make me hit the rock bottom, but this time i didnt. Reasn being - the result is much expected and it was not exactly a surprse for me. The other way would have been a nice surprise.. a good one would be indeed.. But i do am sulking over the result.. Cracking the CAT was always a dream for me. I attempted CAT thrice and i was lucky on the third attempt. I became pretty laxed after i got a call from IIM L.. coz thats what i aimed at. My efforts for clearing the GD and PI were not my best, but i did give it a shot. Anyways, i will live rest of my life with the satisfaction that i crakced CAt, sametime , i do regret for not making it into THE IIMs.

As soon as i checked teh results i was reminded of this line i read in my brothers diary long back.. Keep your expectations low, and your disappointments would be low too....

2:12pm: I suck!!!
In the lessons learnt essay i wrote about one of my school days failure and that i leart the importance of planning.. Well, its a lie, the effect is exagerrated and worse, it is reflected in my application form.

It took me well over a month to finalize up on my essays and that left me with ample time to submit my application. Hyper tensed i am, I filled up the application in a hurry, without reading whats written in the question. Result - i committed two blunders in my application.
No! its not the rock bottom yet.. i figured out my first mistake soon after i submitted the online application. so, sent a mail asking them to rectify it. well, a single line reply "we will make a note of it" didnt sound the same as "it would be our pleasure to update your application form".
when i felt i hit the bottom,i realised there is some thing more "bottom" than rock bottom.. I cherry picked another mistake in the application. Didnt have any option than to reply to their reply begging them to rectify another mistake. The reply i got was "We have made a note of it".. Does not it sound like "gottcha". what more can i comment about their reply..

The irony is that, i projected myself as a person who is immaculate in his panning and execution. If my application goes along with the 'mistakes and rectifcation' mail, well, it would give the Adcom a fit of laughter!!

looking at the better side: i just got a new genuine thought for the content of my next MBA lessons-learnt essay!!!!!

3:19pm: Mis conceptions!!!
I was very much into essays for MBA schools, and it gave me a good oppurtunity to retrospect about many thngs about myself.
One of them is the kind of misconceptions i had during my graduation and some time after too!!
1. Beatles, i thought is a genre of songs, just like ghazals.
2. Spoken english is as easy as written english.
3. I would live kingsize with just 10000 INR p.m.
4. Who ever sits before a computer is a geek.(Now, i wonder how many think the same about me now).
5. It would be damn esay to flirt gals once i get a job.
6. S/w programmers always start with writing "public static void main(String args[])".
7. Friends would remain as close as they were.
8. Savage Garden and MLTR are teh greatest bands/singers ever.. not to forget BSB, WestLife...
9. what ever i know, is not a misconception!!!!!!!!

12:26pm: sound sleep!!!
Some days back a fixed a routine for myelf.. ie.. to leave teh office at 6:30 .. have a fag and sit to study. Study till 8:30 or so.. cook dinner.. hog it and then back to books till 1:00..
And daybefore i stood to my schedule, but yday was a toatl mess.
I went home at the planned time, preponed the cooking part and finished cooking by 7:30 or so.. The aroma was so tempting taht i sat down for dinner (Yeah!! i do cook well!!) .. had my dinner .. yet another fag.. and sat before the books..
felt so very sleepy, so thought i better catch a small nap for about 15 min.
fell on the bed, and by the time i got my senses back it was past 10. Didnt feel like getting up so went back to sleep.. Woke up again at 5:00.. and again at 8:30..
On teh whole t slpet almost for 11 hours!!
and after that felt very refreshing. but there is exhaustion after so much sleep ,, and surprisingly the more you sleep, the more you feel sleepy!!!!
I dont remember any day ( except for the weekends or holidays or days with booze) when i slep to tight!!!
But i dont want this to happent o me again in the next 2 months. CAT and MBA fever!!!!!!

1:49pm: Cultural difference!!!
I have this romanian friend of mine and my have-a-break mate!!!
The other day he seemed a bit worried. When i asked him what is it about, he started a bit sheepishly..
His boss, an indian, during a routine talk, nodded his head in a peculiar fashion.. He enacted it to me.. ( it was like- nodding your head horizontally and vertucally simultaneously. ).. And he asked me what it meant.. AFter knowing the context i said that it meant "Man ! you are in trouble!!!"
My frined felt very relieved after hearing that... he felt that his boss was trying to make a pass at him!!!

I laughed and was surprised at the same time!!!!

well, the next 15 min or so went in explaing him about what different types of head nods mean!!!!

3:00pm: Career goals!!!
Am in the process of applying for the MBA schools in US ofA, Europe, and in India.

Initially i thought it would be just like any other application process.. like what i had done for MS applications.
but they tuirned out to be totally otherwise.. I have to answer some essay questions, by which they judge me whetehr am fit to do a MBA in their college or not.
Some of the essay questions are like : whata re your career goals. and why MBA.. why now?? kind of..

Well, i definitely want to do a MBA.. want to see myself as a manager!! but my career goals stop at that point.. Frankly speaking, nothing influenced my urge for MBA more than my hatred towards my current job and current managers... But that is not a good marketing strategy to market myself. Some of my friends say that one should definitely have a career goal (esp when it comes to doing a MBA).. but i wonder whetehr every one who say that they have a career goal (in essays) have one or not!!!! I ask, is there not a chance that a person who does not have a career goal, who has not displayed any leadership ability, can become a manager!!!! I WANT TO DO AN MBA BECAUSE I WANT TO.

But i did brought upon myself some career goals, which very remotely reflect what i want to become!!! What to do .. they asked for it!!!!

COmpared to how phoren MBA schools recruit, i think, IIMs have a much better procedure.. Which indeed is quiet tough a process!!! Yet they have a way for both highly analytical guys and verbally strong guys!!! (CAT and GMAT)..

I just want to wind up my application process ASAP.. its been two whole sulking months so far!!!!!!!

5:22pm: again!!
Well, Thanks tomy friend that i stumbled across this long left blog!!!
I felt really good after reading what all i wrote 2 years back..
The first thing i said tohim is that i didnt change much!!!

Ironically, its the same CAT time and i have the same cribbings!!!
This blog in a way did serve its purpose by showing me what i was, what i shuold have been, and what i am!!!
May be now that i got a mirror to look into i will concentrate on myself!!!



Lot many things happened..
I landed in this place called as Cyprus. Its a puzzle to me why soime people call it a paradise .. Yeah one germman actually did..
One year is too long a time for not gettign bored of this place.. and am successfully running in my second year!!! Ask me whetehr am bored, i wont even reply to taht q, coz am bored to such an extent !!!

Things does not stop getting worse there.. I typicaly live in a hell hole which inturn is in a hell hole and which inturn is in anotehr one.. Cyprus, AMDOCS, BCC MAINT in the same order!!!

all said minus my cribbing part, this place is not bad either. SOme wonderful people came along!!! and its been quite a reveling experience!!!
well, i would keep posting in this..

4:00pm: cat aftermath...
now that CAT has been cancelled i can sit back and thinkabout what i should be doing for the next CAT.
truly, i did write the exam well, considering the amount of effort i have put in the preparation.
was a bit dejected when i came to know about the cancellation. but later consoled myself that it is yet another chance for me for a better preparation.

worst part, till now i didnt start my preparation, still am in the relaxing mode.

workwise, the release date is nearing, (its on 5th), so days are going busy.
Friday again, came to the office in a completely fultu state. but this time i was with some of mmy friends. While boozing that day, one of my friend described himself as a sadist, a pessimist and as a bad person.
its been a surprise for me as i havenot seen ppl describing themselves as bad. forthat matter, even me, i try to showoff the better part of me, and hide teh worsrt part,, with teh fear that the other person might think me as bad. But when my friend told me abotu himself, i didnt get any such impression..
from now on, i should be ashamed in showing the bad part of me. atleast, should not be ashamed when i, myself am confronted with the bad part of me.

1:05am: Got a low score..
I got a very low score in the just-now wrote mock..
esp.. the score in verbal is very sick causing.

i regret for not putting my part of effort in the preparation of verbal..

10:58pm: undecided...
its regarding the work issue,.
am undecided whether to stick with the same company or to switch to another..
pay definitely is a reason, as till now i didnt get a hike, and from what ever i am getting now, am not able to save much..(almost nill)..
with the kind of visibility that i got in this project they will never allow me to leave this project for another year or so. that means i have to shift to maintenace mode. (the thing i hate ).
i like being in the development team, coz thats what i think i am good at.

but just for that sake if i switch the company theres no guarantee that i will be put into a nice project in my new company. so i am in a dilemma.

i decided to wait till the exam is over, but its only 4 days from now. should give a serious thought to it.

hmm.. will leave it to my fate and intuition.

should be studying now..

11:14am: feeling sleepy....
since one week or so, am following the same routine..
tahts to wake up late in the morning, reach office at 10:30.. be tehre till 9:00, go back again at 10:30,, read till 2:00 and sleep. Its been a nice routine though extended into a bit odd hours.

i would really love to have some kind of avocation which makes me read something or other. Two years back, same time (just week before CAT) i swore to myself that i would make it a habit to read something in a day.. but i hardly remember i kept it up..
now with the same time due for the exam, i swear again that i should make reading a habit,, The difference between then and now is, now i realised that reading does help one to develop his commn skills, and vocab. and those two are the important ingredients in the CAT success..

may be sounding a bit dejected but not actually. Its just a hope that if its not now, it SHOULD be next..

work wise, yday my big boss gave a project analysis report.
There he mentioned the total Lines of code in the project were 60K, out of which themodule i coded for is of 20K.. As i was part of other modules too, i coded more than one third of teh total LOC.. felt very happy and a bit proud too..
but that made me work for a bit long today. Yeah!! ppl do say i am committed.. ;)

good night..

11:27pm: i Hate English....
with 5 days to go for the D-Day i curse myself for my inability at English vocabulary..
i wish i had a vocab as someof my friends..

struggling with the wordlists.. even at teh last moment..
when i think of the way out, i think of the calvin and hobbes strip where Calvin was operated by a robo,(replacement of brain) and calvin says taht he does not need to go to the school anymore..

i wish i knew some technique like that..a way such that i dont have to read anything but yet every thing should be there in some or the othre nook of teh brain..

with the deadline nearing, i cannot make myself feel comfortable.. i know that nothings going to affect me in anyway even if i donot get through it but still, i am feeling a lot tensed by the very thought of teh exam.. sametime, its a noce feeling. the feeling i used to get when ever i had exams.. its been almost two years, ..


today, in the office, i was kind of tight lipped with my boss.. he too got the hint and didnt speak to me much,, but in the evening i came to know that he shifted his place from my cube.
that made me happy as from now i need not feel the constant supervision of his..

hmmm,.. thats its for now.. should be reading now..

6:45pm: boozing.....
Yday nite i had a taste of what a women goes through when her hubby or BF lies to her about being drunk, or infact on anything..
my roommate's fiancee was totally upset when she came to know that her BF (my roomie) had lied to her.. he told her that he had left the party at 9:00, but continued to stay there, here she was worried as he didnt turn up till 1:00 in the night..
her worry was at its peak, and was crying..

she tried to make us feel what she was going through..
Man.,.it was horrible.. along with her we all waited up, till he returned..

finally, me decided not to booze after getting married, atleast not to lie about it, or to tell lies about staying back or coming late in night..
u definitely would put THEM in a state of worry..

Apart, today i gave the last mock CAT,, went there with a hope that my concentration would be intact through out the test..
but for the last section ( Verbal) i lost it.. donot know why i have developed a phobia towards verbal section.. If at all i donot get through the written, verbal wold have ruined it..
but fully the fault is mine. According to the timetable i set to myself i should have completed all the wordlists a week ago,, but till now i didnt even move further of M.. how pathetic of me..
but anyways, theres always a next time..

hope, i will clear the cutoff in verbal section.. hopefully..

12:56am: pissed off...
just when i thought days were going fine, every thing turned against me..Though its just a single incident, it ruined my complete second half of the day,, and even worse, am still not able to get to my normal self..

few days back we gave a 360 degree feedback on our supervisor. the outcome of that meeting was, he should positively give the negative feedback on the project members..
but never had i expected that he will start with me. today i got a bug in the module that i have developed. My boss called me into a conf room and lectured me for almost 10 min, saying, i am not testing the module properly, and that non availability of time should not be a reason for that..

i really feel proud to say that almost 40% of the code in our project is written by me, out of which not even 1% is reviewed by any one,. and most of the complex things are taken up by me. i put my every thing in what ever i do.. and he knows that, but just for the heck of it, he pointed me out..
felt very very bad..
added to that, a friend of mine sat on my nerves asking me to take a back up of her data.. she is the most pretentious gal i have ever known...she tells me straight on my face that she does not trust me and yet when it comes to getting her things done, she shows her sweet side..

these are the times i miss my friends like anything. i consider myself very lucky as all my friends are very good if not the best. no one is like some of tha ppl, now i am with.

the only best thing that had happened to me is a gift by my friends fiancee, a painting of calvin and hobbes hug..

now that i sat peacefully, i realise, bad things or happenings are part of the life.. recollect what one of my friend had said. ." whats in the life if every thing goes in a way u wish.."
it very much is true..

Thanks friends..

12:30am: drunken..
hi,
for the first time in 16 months, am completely drunk and present in the office..
what a way to be in solitude.. ie.. to be present in office at late in the night, that too completely fultu..
i remember the days when carthik and santhosh had a wish to attend our HODs class being drunk.. me never had a chance to do that, i think they too didnt ,, but me and cartik had a nice time boozing during college timing.. that was the first time i boozed with cash..sweet moemories...

yday i chatted with most of my friends till late in the night,.. after a long time..
felt too nostalgic.. missed every one.. esp carthik.. the way he spoke,, i wanted to be beside him.. wanted to put a hand around his shoulder.. but distance was a definite constraint..
cash.. i tell u.. u r the most talented guy i have ever met.. u will never be let down ur own expectations.. my intuition says so..
the problem with u is, u have become pessimistic after landing in land of OPPURTUNITIES...
i had wished to be with him when he told his position, but.....

apart, CAT prep is worse, me not giving centum of what i should..
so pretty much sure that i will not make it..i deeply regret....

reeling under knock out effect..
completely knocked out'ly.
calvyn

5:07pm: CAT
its been long since i posted anything in this. think its the same sentence with which i started my prev post.. hmm. no regrets though..
anyways, it would be a lame execuse if i back myself by saying i was busy.
Nonetheless, things moved out very fast for me.
it makes me feel sick by the very thought that CAT is just 2 weeks away from now. i remmeber the days, when i said to myself, its a long way a head, and deferred my reading. habits die hard ..;)

workwise, am bored being in the same project for almost 14 months. now am the only developer left in our project.. That should make me feel good, but lately i started missing my friends. so have plans to shift back to good old Hyderabad..

the reason for posting in this again is taht, last time before writng my SCJP exam i posted and i passed it,.. and with CAT weeks a head, superstition prompted me to do teh same.. wicked hope..
yeah!!. if any one is ready to grant me a wish i would ask for a seat in any of the IIM, thats what matters most to me now.. atleast, till tonite. tomow is start for, may be, another new one..


hmm, should put a stop to this and read some vocab..
bye..

6:32pm: Feather In My Cap
its been very long since i posted any thing in my journal.
patly coz i was held up wit the woek and partly coz i wanted to take a break ..

my project has almost come to an end.. first phase of the project. so anotehr two weeks from now i will be free for, may be, one month.
but after that we have to deveolop the second phase of our project.

good news is taht , i got an award for my efforts .. A Feather In My Cap award..
i knew about it last friday. and yday our group head gae away teh certificate..
two others from my project got the same but am the only fresher among the trio.

and today completes my one successful completion of 1 year in wipro. (cash.. this ones for u..)

and other good news from my side is that , my younger brother got the visa .. into lousiana tech univ.
he would be elaving in Aug.

days are going smooth and fine.

but till now am nto a confirmed employee.. p\only after i get properly appraised i will become one.
and i still have to fill in my self appraisal,.

back to work.

7:44pm: Last weekend was excellent for me.
fuirst being teh concert of Rolling Stones.
i didnt expect it to be that good. it was superlatively best..
The rain added to it.
it was THE PERFECT for me..
had a great time in the rain and loud music.
way back i walked all alone. it was nice too..
rang a friend of mine to pick me up at that night and he did.
this guy is not a friend of mine, he actually runs a STD booth near my house, and he once asked me to lend him 1000 and i did. Till the night of teh concert neither he knew my name nor me. But still i preferred to cal him rather than my roommate. At that momment i felt he would oblige my request..

On satday, it was al teh while different from otehr weekends,.
was with totally different ppl. sasi, udatta, and in the evening satya was an addition.
i was totally dumb struck by the way they spend money on books,trips and CDs. And one among them has said, he would rather hesitate to buy a pair of trousers but not when it comes to books and CDs.
and most surprising thing (for me)is that, they talk about quizzes, novels, trips, CDs and many other things but not about people.
i said to myself that i am going to be like them, atleast in teh last aspect.
but then, i had a small doubt that this feeling is going to wear off after some days,.. and now i brazenly say that it actually did..

i really thank those three for making my day, for making me aware of things i didnt know.

work wise, every things fine. but day by day am getting this strange feelign that i am not going to get a good appraisal this time. Its not coz am not working to a Max extent, but that my PL does not have a least idea of what am doing.
I once resoluted not to crib on this issue, so no regrets..

6:41pm: Long time no posts!!!
its been very long since i posted anything in theis blog.
i have a reson for it.
all these days my pessimism was at its peak.
Evrything started when all of a sudden three of my friends stopped mailing me.
one of them used to mail me almost 2-3 times each day, and other used to tease me with saying "NO" to most of my askings.. and teh third mailed me after alomst an year and suddenly stopped. no doubt all the three are gals.
i could not make out what and where went wrong.
in my frustration i sent a senti mail to every one.
but none got the reason right, and literally were after me for being senti..
that made things much more worse. i put myself at teh faulty end and searched for imaginary faults done by me which might have prompted them to develop this aversion for me.
the more they were reluctant the more i felt worse and mailed one of them in length at a heiht-of-senti. (height-of-idiotism).that definitely must have given a wrong impression about me, about my thinking of her.
i got a frank but a bit harsh reply.
its then that i realised the problem is with me, with my thinking. but by then every thing was out of my hands.
i learnt that the e-mail is one big impersonal thing which does not really convey ur real feelings.
second is that when u r in a bad mood u should not spread it,.
third when u write a senti mail that demands the other person to look at it from the same angle. if theres been an incoherence, things wonot be the same, and things can never be teh same again.
fourth attraction is triggered by things that make no sense at all, and its destroyed by things that should make it stronger.

now that i can sit back and think, about these things, i feel nice, but a bit sad as things would never be the same again.. never..

i really miss my friends a lot and these days i miss them to a max..
i wish i were in my native or in hyd, with friends every where..

8:53pm: my dream
Does the dreams make any sense.. i mean do they indirectly or directly relate to whats going on with in us..
coz quite often in my dreams i find my self naked , that too among others.and either i try to cover my torso with some thing awkward, sometimes paper , sometimes plastic cover. and in the dream i donot really care what others think about me being naked.

what does this mean..

anyways, work wise , these days am working like hell..and am doing some reading too, on a daily basis. right now i have 'god of small things'.. its nice, but i dint get why she goes on explaining petty details about almost every thing. why is this common in such types of books. i remember i partly read a book given by Carthik, even that book had the same sort of description.
why do the authors go into such minutae details.. is it go give us a lively picture of the ambience and the people.

but, am enjoiing the book.
when u hurt people, they begin to love u less, thats what careless words do. They make people love you a little less. -Arundhati Roy.

9:18pm: SCJP, my trip to home.
hey, i forgot to tell u all, that i got 77% in the SCJP exam..
its the second highest percentage scored by any wiproite..
(its been introduced last month and till now only some 10 odd persons must have taken the test)....;)
felt very nice for the % and on the return journey i touched a speed of 85 on my friends bike. it was fun...
i miss the bike that i used to have.. some time ago. now my father has sold it to some one.
carthik, the bike no longer can be urs.. ;)

and i went to my home soon after my exam.
went to my college too.
when i walk in the corridors i get this strange feeling that i am still a student of that college. i feel young, and could not stop hoping that someone of my class mates would bump into me round teh corner..
i miss teh college, my friends very much..

8:36am: D-Day
today at 10:00 am giving my SCJP.
so do wish me all the best, so that i can have many persons to put the balme upon.;)

8:45am: My roommates are definitely nice. and the best.
Yday i went to my room in a terrible mood.
my roommates, almost everyone was so concerned about me taht i forget every thing about my blues,.
they made sure that i keep my mind out of all this trash and kept me talking.
i felt really lucky for being with such nice roommates.
yeah! in teh begining i had problems with one of my junior, but at present every things fine. No complaints.

so back to the office.
hope this day goes fine..
yeah! already it had a great start. got a mail from one of my friend, after a long time.

7:12pm: two days left
today i had this Java training, though it didnt help me much i enjoied it to the brink as i was out of this regular surroundings , people.
tried a mock exam in java, of 5 q's .. if u get 5 out of 5 u could win a T shirt, but i could not.
i was in a bit restless position as i could not check my mails..
once am in teh office i checked my mails and found a mail from my friend saying that i have changed a lot after joining the job and that money does change a person.
though i donot know whether he meant it or not, but i felt really bad.

then i cursed myself for chekcing the mails.
i should have gone home staright from teh training.
anyways, just two days left for me to get rid of this exam tension.
this kind of test tension is making me feel good.
the last test, i remember, i took it seriously was teh last before years CAT exam.

looking forward to 14th.. i will be back at hnk , the heaven on teh earth..